GUEST BLOG! It was always very clear I wasn’t his Mummy, which was right.
Friend of NAB, Aimee Stokes has written a wonderful blog for us on her experience of falling in love with a man who was already a daddy - how she built her relationship with his son and how it felt when she became a mummy herself.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have the job title ‘Mummy’. So when I met my husband all those years ago and learnt he had a son, that pang in my ovaries only got stronger! Deacon was very young when I first entered his life so it felt easy to strike a bond with him. I never felt like I was ever more than just a best mate to him. Although I was a female, and loved him immensely, it was always very clear I wasn’t his Mummy, which was right.
Due to my husband’s work schedule we only had Deacon to stay a couple of days per week and so time with his Daddy was precious. Although I was great for the creative fun: baking cakes, homemade pizzas, arts and crafts etc., he was very much a Daddy’s boy and still at seven and a half years old, all he wants to do is ‘play rough’ 24/7!
I would constantly be on at Jonny asking when he was going to marry me just so I could have a baby of my own! I could play Mums and Dads with Deacon and Jonny, however, I didn’t have that true connection, like he was my own. I felt almost jealous of my husband that he was the one who Deacon would run to if he fell over, he was the one he would want to tuck him in at night. On the flip side, having to share the man I was in love with was hard. Jonny had this level of love that I didn’t yet understand for this little boy who could pull on his heart strings in different ways to me that I could never compete with.
Finally after a year and a half of marriage and falling easily for a baby, in October 2017, Finley entered the world and some of my first thoughts were to Deacon. Would he feel pushed out? How would he react to someone living with Daddy all the time and him only being round every so often? How would he react to a new baby? What would he think seeing me now as the Mummy? And most importantly, would he have a close bond with the baby?
When we brought this gurgling, wrinkly alien thing home, Deacon wasn’t sure at all. He had never been around babies much, he didn’t have any in either side of his family and so I think he was a bit creeped out, looking at the baby only through side eyes and not wanting to truly show how intrigued he was with this new addition to our family.
We were really careful to ensure Deacon knew everything would still be the same and having a baby brother would, in time, actually be quite fun!
Fast forward to a year down the line and the love he has for Finn is incredible. He can’t wait to see him, he asks if he is home all the time and is so good with him. Finley on the other hand is totally obsessed with his big brother. Deacon can make him laugh at the drop of a hat and Finn follows him everywhere!
My relationship hasn’t changed with Deacon now Finley is here, I miss him just as much as I did before, make sure I still have time to play with him, take interest in his life and still do the ‘pink jobs’, making him feel like the special big boy.
I love both boys equal amounts but there is nothing like the bond you have with your own child. Jonny had that before with Deacon and although I acknowledged it, I never imagined what that felt like and was always envious that he had this little person who totally idolised him.
Now having my own flesh and blood, my Mummy’s boy, my clone of me, I finally get it; I know what it feels like to have your heart living outside of your body. The vulnerability, the anxiety, the Mum guilt, the ‘I would physically be able to commit murder for this child’. Ryan Reynolds was quoted saying ‘I would use my wife as a human shield to protect our daughter’ and as much as I love Jonny beyond anything in this world, I totally get it and so does he.